Jokes & Stories:
1. (Christmas) Holiday Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the
company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our
CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your
family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo
intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your
family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Re
sources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003 RE:
Holiday Party
Reading the note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no
gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much
money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003 RE:
Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had
no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it
home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with
each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director TO: All Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The )*&$#@ Holiday Party
Vegetarian idiots I've had it with
you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like
it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your $%#*&ing salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human
Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in
wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Subject: I love to be six again
On the
morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five
hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake.
Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a Soda
pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He
leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear,
what was it like being six again?"
Her
eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size!"
***************************************************************
Norm & Cliff on "Darwin and Beer"
I haven't
heard anyone explain this great mystery as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin, on
the sitcom Cheers.
One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm...
"Well ya
see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Where’s
George?
The worried housewife sprang to the
telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" she said.
"What
kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh,
mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad
day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a
chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to
hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two
couples to dinner tonight."
The
mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit
down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your
shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.
I'll feed
the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the
washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll
even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out
for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why,
George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this
is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm
sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was
a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
******************************************
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of
enthusiasm.
-Sir Winston Churchill
******************************************
Honey, it's me
The phone
rings and John picks it up. "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I
am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat.
It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's
the price?"
"Only
$2,500.00."
"Well,
OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh,
and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one
I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What
price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but
for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might
look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the
real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
beachfront property..."
"How much
are they asking?"
"Only
$950,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to
cover..."
Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $920,000. OK?"
"OK,
sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I
do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's
flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
More
Jokes:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not
getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDs?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II
(JUST WARMING UP!)
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit
there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp
knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the
dog is still excited to see you.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the
pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure
it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
(Just Great Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named
him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A
speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern
zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...
"a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good
rides.
Inner Peace
By following the simple advice I read in
an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a
bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild
Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin’ good I feel....
Two new elements added
to the Periodic Table of the Elements:
1. Element Name:
WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical Properties:
Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very
active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum
and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of
exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful
income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive
in inexperienced hands.
***************
2. Element Name:
MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical Properties:
Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are
unable to create electricity.
Chemical Properties:
Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong
bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for
prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities
on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this
element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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